Every other day you talk to yourself and try to find out all the mistakes you did and.. You try to find the reason of quite a few things…to begin with…”why am I alone?”…well that is my first question.. and sometimes when I trigger up my adrenaline pumps and travel back with the exhilaration of a Little baby girl who has just found her long lost baby doll under a pile of rubbish her mummy has left alone as garbage to be thrown the next day.. to find that the answer of the past is the reason of state of the present…
Today was one such day… sitting in front of my lappie on the wide terrace of our house…at approx. 20:52hrs I was staring at the blogsite of a certain “Roshni” when I dunno why I jus put down the lid of my lappie and started jus gazing at the moonless-starless-cloudless (?) night and asked myself one of all such questions…the same which cud make u face the exhilaration of the baby girl… “Why am I alone?”
And yes I did find the answer…
The weird heady cocktail of a dry vodka martini on the rocks gives a strange feeling of disillusion and illusion of the same time… quite very much the reason why I was stretching my hands out... atop a 100ft high tank..and taking a grab at the moon…trying to reach it like the mangoes in the Biswas’ house which had grown ripe over the summer… well… didn’t quite get it… and for quite a moment I felt as if the stars high above was mocking at my failed attempts at the moon… would have fisted them out if they were close enough…the garden of Eden was wearing off in my head…I climbed down from the perch… yonder across the leaden sky …somewhere along the parched land… somewhere hidden away from the eyes of the preying hunter…away from the sombre whisper of a lover… away from the soothing chime of time was a heart grieving the wound of timeless pain… the wound of a torn heart and a bleeding eye… the tears had already dried up… so he could not cry water and quench her thirst…. The illusion of joy is a strange thing … cause it makes you believe you are happy even when you taste the salty taste of tears… it gives you the illusion of life even when you are staring at the dark tunnel of death… it makes you believe that at the end of the day death is just a long holiday for all the broken souls with a coin underneath their tongue… it makes you believe that tomorrow is just a better day… that dipping your lips in the oily river of sorrow will extract all the leftovers of pain you have left in the trenches of the horrible heart lying in the wasteland… under a rock named “PAIN”… But…disillusion…
I climbed over the railing and looked over to a funnel of darkness …at the end there was a light… but…no… wait…what ….. is that her….a familiar silhouette…. I stretched my hand…to reach out…out to her….
The ground was too close…I closed my eyes…
“Why am I alone?”
Because I never knew what was to be loved…and when it came I was busy mixing up my illusions to thread my dreams…….
The Little girl found her baby doll…she gave a wide smile…her big brown eyes with a small cut just above the right brow… somewhere in the abyss of her heart she asked a question to her mom… “Why did she want to throw her baby doll?”
P.S :: Sorry guys for updating after such a long time…was just busy over stuff.. ”bad xcuse” sorry…eithr way…will try to be regular…
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