10TH November

3:30am(styin 2dy at a Anish’s place in Park Circus)--Hmmmmmmmm………………….. sumtyms wen I look up…..high up in the sky….a sky full of the rust of my love….tryin to realize all the mistakes of my life…as I move my hands over the keyboard I try to capture my thoughts and hold it……hold them all in my hand…many things hapnd ystrdy…first Sanj…then stayin at Tantra till 11…but in the middle of all the music…in the middle of all the Music and Lights…the Booze…the girls falling over each other…am I lost???
It was sumtym arnd 8:15 or 8:30… me n Anish… we hd entrd SPE first at sumtym arnd 6:45… btw… Anish is gud frnd of myn… she is mre lyk… a lost piece of marble… she is cute… n lyk… nyc… a gud grl to hang out with... so… at arnd 8:30 we dcided to tk a wlk arnd… bt not bein able 2 thnk of ne plc to hv a quiet walk undr d moonlight she drove her car to the lane bsyd Julien Day Elgin Road… it was prty dark n quiet… we wr lyk talkin crap 4 a long tym… thn sdnly dunno y I felt sndin a mail 2 sum1… I swchd on my Lappie… n den realized my account was pretty low… Luckily Anish had a gprs… cnctd… n strtd to mail d two mails I had 2… suddenly I realized tht thr was sumthng abv my shoulder… I lukd up… it was Anish’s hand… she was not high… she had only doused 3 cans… I turnd towards her…she was lukin at me in a strange way…she put her hand n touched my cheek softly… n put her hand acrs my head tuchin the bck of head… the glare of the car cumin frm the opposite side pierced the darkness… I turned… I had 4 mre scraps in orkut… I opnd my scrpbk… Anish’s hnd was slowly movin ovr my neck… givin me goosebumps… but no…dey wr nt frm her hnd… A scrp… I dint undrstnd wat she said… Anish held a tuft of my hair wid her left hand… n pulled me 2wrds her… I shoved her away… I was BROKEN… she lukd at me wid questioning eyes…n den openin her pink lips… ”Am I that bad… Or is it that you have bad breath… Or u don’t know how to kiss??”… I looked at her… n takin out the Mountain Dew can I had in my backpack I came out of the car… Anish followed me…n then slowly whispered in my ear…”Is it her??”…”Is it that scrap…???”… I preferred to keep quiet…She touched my hand and told me… ”Watevr had to happn has hapnd thrs nothing u can do…but did u do nethng wrng??”…I dint know at 2 say…I 4gt abt d mail I hd wntd 2 snd to her… I opnd my blog n saw a new Comment…Anish’s head was on my shoulder…I uploaded my nxt blog… n den snt d mail I hd 2 snt to Paro…my Coll frnd…a gud stdnt… n also a gr8 human bein… n cld her up to infrm her abt it…lft sum scraps on DG n on S…. scrpbk… he had gvn me a nyc bit of gyan but I by dt tym I had dcid wat to do… I lukd at Anish…she was lyk staring at the comp screen...aftr sumtym she whispered 3 words… 3 words wch mde me feel lyk I was stl alive… ”She still loves you..”
9:45pm::We had jus entrd TANTRA…Anish’s brother was already there wid his grlfrnd…we wnt ovr to our favuryt spot n strtd easin out…Anish mvd frwd to hld my hnd…I mvd awy…amng all the fun n frolic n joy outta thr dunno y…I was feelin lyk…Void…Empty…will she evr undrstnd…I kno… no more will she opn my scrps…n mre will she read my blog…but if she evr reads it she will kno 1 thng…dat Atreya stll loves her… he stll loves her a lot… tht she stll has sum1 who is always mre dan willing to be wid her… wen evr she needs him… Anish wnt ovr to brng anodr can of beer… Her bro had a shot of tequila…whl his grl took a shot of cognac…amng all d muzik… the grls… the lights… it flt lyk sumwhr thr is sumthng missin…
10:45pm::Anish was high… way too high 2dy… lyk falin all ovr me… Her bro n I dcided 2 cl it a dy…we rchd her home at anrd 11:45pm…her prnts wr nt thr… so… lyk me styin thr was not a prob… I hd alrdy tld bck at hme tht I wnt be rtrnin hme… tld dem tht we had a func to attnd at Swabhumi…
1:30 am::WOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the view frm Anish’s balcony at nyt…u see all the dried up roads…. The flyovr crossin… n the Parkcircus Maidan on d oder syd… lyk it was gr8… dint wanna slp… was not feelin lyk… sumtyms flt lyk sein wat’s goin on in Anish’s brodr’s room… he ws thr wid his grl… n by d fct dt he drove the car prty steadily was enuf to lemme knot ht dy hd a lng nyt ahd… sudnly I flt a hnd against my waist… I turnd arnd… It was Anish… her eyes… she dint hv a drop of drunkeness in her eyes… her eyes wr lukin at me wid… LUST…. No she’s not tht kinda grl…. But… den… I dunno… it flt lyk…. I cud smell her deo… it was the Woody flavor of CK… she movd her hnd across my cheek… I cud see her close… so-very close… evn her eyelids… her lips… they were so close… NO… I said to myslf… NO… thts wat I did…
2:30am::We bth hd swchd on bth of our lappies… we wre plyin Counter Strike… she was a Magger… but I was btr stl in assault… result I lost she won… clvr grl… at arnd 2:00 she rolld ovr n aksd me a strng question… “Arc… r u a man?? Dnt u feel nethng sleepin wid a grl who was lyk on quite a high a few hours ago… “NO…cuz as far as I kno u… u wnt get high unls ur hv a martini or a vodka… and I also kno tht u wr a pretty gud actor bck in ur skul days… So… it dint tuk me long to undrstnd tht u wr jus actin… So d question of getting on a high doesn’t cum... But yes I dnt undrstnd wt du u wnt frm me????.....”… “Neither du I kno”,said Anish, “I jus dunno… but I wud ask u 1 thng… Why dnt u wnt to evn lemme kiss u… after all its jus a kiss…”…… I lukd at her… my eyes n brain scavenging my grounds to let her kno the ryt answer… “Well… I dint feel lyk kissin anoder grl unless thts my wyf… I kno Anish its silly but its true… I dnt wnt to b hrtbrkn again in ne wy…”
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm………. Tht was a lng stry ryt…. N yes its tru not anoder figment of imagination… n also d fct dt I dint evn lay a fingr on Anish…. N yup…. 2dy is Sid’s b’dy… he’s in Manipal… n the title of the longest blog…well this one sud get it… one of the things… one of the experiences of my life whose meaning I will never find…

8TH November

8TH November

Hmmmmmmm……..sorry buddies for boring you out wid d previous blog….i kno…it was lyk….BORING…yup tht wud b a btr wrd….kno wat Lemon Tree…chkd mah scrpbuk….not d orkut1…mah own…d one I had in skul days…whr all of mah gud old buddies had scribbled… sumtyms wen I lie awake at nyt…well secretly….yup….I du hope dt sum grl calls me up…n profess her luv for me….but well wats d use of sein day dreams at nyt…sumtyms I ask myself m really a gaijin fool widout nethng lft 2 du…wats d use of prayin day in n day out….alwys hopin dat dt person returns to u coz of whom u cry…Sanj….I dunno whthr…I dunno….nethng…is it pain…is it d ass-lyk feelin of betrayin…HER…no…yes…no…I dnt wanna fall in luv…I hate it…why will I get commited to her…why????why I d god-damn hell…in d name of wch kinda DEVIL sud I b…wat is d gurantee tht Sanj will b thr wid me all of mah lyf…????why…..tell me…WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????????????????...DG I hate you….no…dnt thnk I m ngry n stuff….in fct I dunno…n yes…you have jus bcum a “memory”…a “memory”…to me…nthng else…Good or Bad I dunno….u hv jus bcum smtng wch well in1 wrd…A memory wch has its own glow...wch shines on but never burns out…PEACE OUT…

7TH November

At last mah m bck to sein regular days…n yup…ne1 wid Nile’s Lateralus…pls mail me…mah mail id:: atreya.chowdhury@gmail.com ……..N now abt sumthng m pondering abt…Wat is d meanin of Ballori…
Now sumthng I really wnt to convey….hey….SB….m really sorry…cudnt meet ya on Friday….pls buddy…dnt get ngry…pls…got stuck at crossword…dnt get ngry buddy….

2dy wnt to Elliot park…wnt thr wid Sanj n Gurj…..was really feelin light headed aftr in a long tym…n more thn tht it was lyk…a feel-good feeling….sein couples loving each oder…takin her up in his arms….n plantin a firm kiss on the lips…it felt lyk…so very good when I saw tht….huggin each oder…tru me,Sanj n Gurj were passin sly comments…but it really felt good…felt lyk yes…it is worth falling in love again….yes….why will u live a life devoid of everything sacrificing evrythng for a girl who doesn’t even thnk abt you….who gives a fuc*in pile of BULLSHIT….du u wnna spnt lyf-lng celibacy jus for tht….?????No….Atreya…u will not…why...dnt u evr wonder Atreya….why did she evr leave you…ask urslf Atreya…did u evr evn luk up to anoder grl….evr….did u evr tell her how hot was anoder girl on the road…evn she knew…not only she…her friends….her friends did too…not only hers….your friends too….tell me….Cupid…why did u evr let your arrow stray in2 your heart…Tell mt thou God of all Doubts…tell me Thou Omnipresent….all All-Knowing…is it my heart whch is wrong…whch wrongs my love…filling it wid all doubt…did she betray me….she dint evr feel….did she not evr thnk of me….did she evr thnk how mch it will hurt her Pooh????She did not…she was…is..n probably will always be happy wid S….n yes I am happy…I am happy tht she is happy….but will I not have ne1 to put balm on my wounds…yes….thr r wounds tht tym can nvr heal…but wont sumbdy evr try…yeah sumtyms it feels tht mayb Sanj can….but I kno I cnt evr open up wid her…know at LT…I dint attnd coll for a few days now….was lyk sad….did nebdy cared 2 call up n ask…hey buddy wr r u???...n d answer is yes…but wen dey askd….I jus simply brushd dem asyd…wat did I say….”I lyk to keep my problems to myself…I dnt wnt to share it wid ne1…” True…very true…I am d knda guy…whm only 1person had evr seen cryin…..n who will nvr evr cry again….not infrnta nebdy….who keeps his sorrow to his ownself n sulks alone…I kno vry well…no1’s gonna read this…rather no1 hv d patience to read such a boring story…. ummmm…story?????mayb…..Remember DG u usd to tell me….”U can’t evr b happy Atreya…U wanna kno Y??Bcuz u alwys sulk in ur self-pity…!!!”…..mayb true mayb not….but I kno 1thng….not a single of my frnds kno nethn abt the Fake smile I put up n go abt...no1 knos abt d Face tht buries itslf in d pillow evry nyt…n sulks…no1 knos abt mny a days wen many a drop of tear hv escpd whl writin dis blog…no1 knos abt dose mornings wen I see the daily newspaper n evry thrusday hope tht sum1 wud snd him a sml msg…sum1 he tht he knew…not a long tym ago… but then again he wonders….did he really knew her???....or was evrythng jus a game….y my Dear Friend…why did u leave me…???
I dunno why I wrt the above crap….n neither du I kno if thr is ne logic in wrtin a blog wch is nvr read by ne1…I dunno I really dunno…but yes it helps me in 1 way….I can at least get a job as a data entrant…hahaha….P.S::This is my longest blog n in all cases….n also in all probability…the most boring…a gr8 prize awaits the 1 who reads the complete blog….

....feeling hollow....

“Abide with me:fast falls the even tide;
The darkness deepens;friend with me abide;
When comforts flee and LOVERS betray…
Friend with me abide..

“Swift to its close heels…out of life’s little day…
Life’s joys grow dim…and Love fades away…
Façade and betrayals…all around I see…
Life sans love…wonderful…Moin Freund…dnt u see??”

Dunno wats hpnin yaar….feelin so awfully romantic….wrt sum poems…sry lemon tree…cudn’t update u for a long tym…hd injured mahself….so no goin out4 me…tried 2 pull off a pretty hard parkour stunt…n ended up hurtin mah elbow n knee…

Kno wat..dunno y jus wanna lyk I dunno…jus read…

“And there..there overhead…there hung over..
Thousands of white faces…and listless eyes…
There in the starless dark..they poise..they hover…
There with vast wings across cancelled skies…
Of nothing..nothing…and nothing at all…”

Why are you staring at me…dunno y LT…I feel lyk m in mournin…lyk thngs long lost….lyk long ago the songs I heard…the breaking of the silence of the seas…Among the farthest of the Hebrides…Welcome notes…stirring the weary band in2 a wild frenzy…Long ago sumwhr in moi lonely heart ...I heard a Lady…a Princess…singing a song…an unchained melody….a song for the coiled desires of the man in the land if caged dreams…in a land of forgotten men…a song for the obsidian,unspelled hopes of children…a song that reminds to despair…a song whose melody I bear in moi heart long after it is heard no more..For long have the gulls been wheeling overhead lyk vultures…

Did u snt them moi Love…du u now wnt moi heart??

Sorry…It’s not with me…Have lost it a long time ago…
TO YOU…..

29th october

hmmmmmmmm.......so many thngs...soooooooooooooooo little tym....so lemme jus put up d main pointerz....
i>m gonna kick sum1 real hard...
ii>ballori...cum on...rply 2 mah scraps yaar....
iii>sb....whr r u....hvta snd u an invitation...mah sis' marriage cumin up buddy..
iv>bussy wid studies...
dts it...bye..

28TH OCTOBER

Hullo...wassup,lemon tree....found ne lady-blog on the roll??....SHE SUITABLE 4U???OH....cumon...hey guys jus jokin.....hd a blast 2dy....hd a small party at home.....wid all mah dad's frns...deir daughters n sons....amng all.....found only1 gud lukin grl...hd loads offfffffffffff fun...burnt money...sorry....crackers till 3in d morn....n lapped it up wid a bonfire....kno wat bro n a few of his frnds came home drunk....i dnt lyk it wen he drinks...i tld him so-o-oooo--ooo many tyms not to drnk...but he jus wnt listen...SANJ....missin ya....LITTLE PRINCESS....u kno wat...i dont get ngry on u jus coz u tlk of "HIM" n stuff...but coz i dnt wnt mah "LOVE" to be dis-respected.....dts d reason...felin sleeeeeeeeeepy....gud nyt lemon tree...n yup....cmae across dis grl "BALLORI"....dunno d meanin of d name...hvta kno it....hvta....

25th OCTOBER

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………..wnt b able 2 use mah lappie for a few days now…lets see…hvta wryt mah blog…realized sumthng in lyf…dis lyf is 22222222222 short… really tooooooo short 22222222222hate……wats d use 2 hate sum1……wat do u get by hating sumbdy….nthng…..literally nthng…..it hurts a lot wen sum1 leaves u…but wat hurts u more is d fact dat u still hate him…thr r so mny thngs goin on in mah head ryt now….tell me why do I still fear d word LOVE….why????why cnt I b lyk oders….y dnt I flirt arnd???????there’s no1 2 stop me…..no 1 to tell me….no one at all…no one to ask me whats in mah heart…no one to tell me not to luk up at girls…no1 2 tell me tht I am their own…I dunno….am I weak….no I know I am not…I kno I am strong…simply coz of d fact dt I did not evr stop her frm goin so-o-o-o-o far away frm me…but does dt mean dt I dnt LOVE her….no…I know I love her…I also know she will never come bck…I know she is gone…n wid her is gone all the things I ntd frm lyf…all the small wishes..all da dreams….wid her is gone all mah stupidity…wid her is gone C.U.T.E,S.T.U.P.I.D…n all da many thngs….wid her is gone d Love Books…wid her is gone sumone whom I cud luk upto…cz of whom I had 2 live n die…wid her is gone evrythng…wid her is gone feelings…warmth…et all…why….why… I still search for d answer….I still cower in d corner wen mah mom criticizes me for evrythng I do.. for evrythng I do…but I dnt care…I dnt care nemre…I dnt thnk....sry…I dint wnt to brng dis part of mah lyf…sum1 tld me dt I I sud not du this…n she was ryt…evr1 has got their own share of their problems…me u n evry1 else…wats da use of whining lyk dogs 2 this impassionato world…wat will I get by writing this…nthing….n neither will u get nethng by reading this…but stl…unlyk u all ppl I dnt hv ne1 to speak mah mnd out…SANJ,POU,dt little kid of clsVII I teach…..none….i cnt trust dem…or is it lyk…I dnt wnt 2 trust them….but the thng is dt I m stll yet to cum across…. no…rather…I dnt wnt to cum across them….